A frustrated father asks for advice: Quick background review. I'm a 36 year old father of a 12 year old son. His mother and I divorced 3 years ago. Up till last year I was driving truck and gone all the time and he lived with his mother and they both lived with her grandmother. Last year I returned to school to get a better job so can spend more time with my new wife and my son who came to live with us in 07.

He came to live with us cause his grandmother evicted his mother and stepfather. Problem I am having is he occasionally want to go live with his mother, like now again, and begins to complain about our smaller home and city location(his grandmother lives in a very big and expensive home that is on a large amount of acreage).

I believe he just wants to live with his mother so he can go visit his great grandmother all the time. My reason for thinking this way is cause this summer he spent more time there then at his mothers. The person who enables him to get away with this is his great-grandfather who I feel continually undermines my role as my son's father. Not to mention his mother will not put her foot down on where he is.

We are more strict with him and he is disciplined for bad behavior. While his great grandparents seem to just spoil him with whatever he wants. I.E. he has both a laptop and a desktop computer.

Ok that wasn't a quick review. I love my son and I have always wanted him to live with me. I knew before he was born that he would be spoiled in a bad way for that is how his mother is. I and everyone I know felt he needs live with me to be raised better. With me he gets to visit the rest of his great grandparents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. With his mother he just see's his mothers parents, and grandparents. They are not friendly to my side of the family and do not want them coming around to visit. I do not restrict visitations from his great grandparents. It seems they are the only ones that will make the trip to visit on his mothers side of the family. I don't have custody, so if his mother chose to she could force his moving back.

I am strained to the limit in dealing with his attitude and tempted to just send him packing. I know that it's better for him to be here.

Do I weather out his attitude and anger towards me?

Denise's thoughts: Your son is trying to traverse an explosion of his family, life/school/friends as he knew it and facing the beginning of puberty. All with a brand new brain. During puberty the brain makes quite a few changes, starting with the ability to think in gray areas, not everything is black and white. I have an article on that here: Teens and Power Struggles. See the section on understanding their development.

You have a wonderful opportunity to create a strong bond with your son. Instead of looking at your son and the people that surround him through the eyes of the problem you own(the divorce) and with all of the emotions that are attached to that problem(i.e. the feelings you have toward your ex-father-in-law), take a look at it through the eyes of the 12yo who is trying to figure out where he fits. You will need to emotionally detach from all that has happened and become his champion. Help him build bonds with those that surround his life, he needs those in order to build a confident self, which will help you when he gets to be 18.

Talk to him, not at him. He is not your problem, the struggles he is facing are. Just a side note: Our teens help us grow as people - your son is going to do that for you.

Some related resources for you:

• Talking to Teens About Friendship
• Tips: Divorce and Teenagers
• About Divorce: Five Things Your Child Needs From You

Asking our Community of Parents: Thoughts, experiences, advice? Share them in the comments area.

I found an excellent article today by Dr. Brian Orr. It is part of a series that has five parts completed. It speaks to what teens are facing today and what they need from us to succeed – my favorite topic! Here is a quote:

Teens need a "chaperoned freedom". They need responsible adults around but need their space at the same time. They need to be respected for this horrible process that they need to go through. They also need to be respected for their skills. They need rules and guidance. They need really good examples both in society and at home. They need adults who are true to their adult selves so the teens can be inspired to be true to their teen selves. With this guidance, teens may ultimately achieve the security, confidence and ability to meld all these expectations and identities into one solid true self — they will have "found themselves".

Take a look at the article and tell me what you think in our comments area.

Suggested Reading:

• Ten Tactics Parents Use to Stay Involved
• 10 Ways to Send a Clear Message to Your Teenager
• Learn to Fall Back and Regroup In 5 Easy Steps

Soon parents will have a way to keep checks and balances on their teen drivers, according to this article in the Wall Street Journal. “Starting with select 2010 models to be introduced next year, Ford will include a programmable ignition key as a no-cost, standard option that restricts maximum speeds and offers additional safety alerts.” One of my favorite safety alerts is the annoying sound that forces the teen driver to buckle-up. And I like that the “device can also be configured to sound chimes at 45, 55 or 65 miles per hour depending on how much parents may want to warn -- or bother -- their children about excessive speed”. That sounds like fun, for parents anyway. The important thing is that it should work save our teens from mistakes in judgment when driving.

What do you think? Can I have a show of hands of parents who want to run out and buy this car now? What’s the downside for parents? Share your thoughts in our comments area.

Related Resources:

• How To Set the Limits on Driving
• Parenting Poll: Who should pay the added insurance?
• What are the statistics of fatal crashes involving teen drivers?
• Parenting Teens Contract on Teen Driving

Starting a conversation about not smoking really isn’t as hard as you may think. Your teen is expecting for you to say something – he/she knows that most parents do. That can take the edge off. Here is how to make these conversations as effective as possible, so your teen doesn’t ever start smoking.

More: Screening Quiz - Is Your Teen Smoking?